Counting Stars
by suspend your disbelief
Summary: Sometimes you know exactly who you love. You'd do anything to take their pain away...But what if, in doing so, you caused them pain? Is that still successful? [KK][Songfic]


Wow, it's been forever since I've posted anything. So sorry.

I actually intended on having this out Valentine's Day, but…I was grounded. And it was unfinished, anyways.

I know I shouldn't do this, but I wrote this late at night. Little sleep the past week, but it's the only free time I've found.

Though, I will say this. This fiction is strictly about feelings. You'll commonly see a major shift one way or the other...perhaps every other paragraph. I tried to duplicate realistic feelings. You hardly ever know what to think in some situations, or what way you should feel. This is what I tried my hardest to capture. Sorry if it's confusing.

Perhaps a bit sloppy. I may clean it up someday, or leave it as is. I feel fickle.

I may not post anything for a while. My birthday just passed (I'm fourteen, now, and no better a writer than I was to begin with) and so I've had to do family things. A huge convention coming next week, and then state tests…then spring break. Check my bio page for details and notices, and more importantly (and updated more often) my deviant art page.

With that random bit of nonsense, enjoy "Counting Stars".

Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin does not belong in any way, shape, or form to me, save for a few wall scrolls and an unhealthy obsession.

The song "Counting Stars" belongs in no way to me, but to a band named Sugarcult.

Dedicated to Jess-sama, for being a great friend, an awesome confidant, and all-around great person. Great writer, too, and I remember you pushing me to finish this. Thanks for caring.

And thanks to everyone who enjoys my writing. I never really realized how much I love to write, and how much I enjoy it when people appreciate my writing.

I'm babbling. Oh, and I hope you had a fantastic Valentine's Day!

**Counting Stars **

* * *

**Hey, I wanna crawl out of my skin.**

_"Kaoru? Have you ever felt like you wanted to be someone else?" _

The question hung in the air for a moment, above the two of them, above the clouds, above the world. It was simple, but it demanded the attention of the young kendo instructor. It was not the words that entwined around her heart and pulled her heartstrings, constricting her soul and making her bleed. It was the way the question was offered, simple and innocent, yet backed by years of heartbreak and torment.

She thought for a moment, wanting to give him her pure, honest response. It was hard to say, because of course...who never had a feeling of envy, of thinking the person they admired...had it easier.

"I can't say that I have, Kenshin," She spoke in her sweet tones. Gently, however, so as not to break the delicate, proverbial string hanging above them. "Why do you ask? Is there something you want to tell me?"

She had known the once rurouni well enough to tell when he had something deep on his mind, clouding his thoughts. Usually, though, and she noted this as she turned her head to look at him...

His eyes never looked more sad to her. Not angry, not raging inside with a split decision -just sad. Pure misery and grief, and she wanted nothing more than to calm them for him, if only she knew how.

**Apologize for all my sins.**

"I was just…thinking," He replied, and Kaoru was at the same time both gravely upset and extremely happy.

'Is he…being honest with me?' She mused, watching him out of the corner of her eye from where they were sitting.

The crystalline lake beyond them stretched for some length, sparkling with the remaining light from the waning sun. The two of them were sitting together, alone, and save for the occasional responses from the other, and the cooing of birds, it was silent. Before, silent in a calming way the air seemed to hold when Kaoru was alone with Kenshin, but now, it just seemed to ring louder and louder in reminder that everything was seemingly not okay.

"Thinking of what?" Kaoru inquired, blinking slowly. She wasn't that naive, she had some idea of what her poor redheaded man was dwelling upon.

"The mistakes I've made..." He said softly, almost to himself; if Kaoru had been any farther away, she wouldn't have been able to catch the sliver of his words.

"Kenshin...Kenshin..." Kaoru repeated, to herself. "I told you, we all told you...you've repent for the sins you've committed, and we're your friends. We don't...hate you...So why are you upset?"

She had no idea -she was just skimming the surface of the meaning behind his words.

**All the things I should have said to you.**

"It is not so much that, anymore, Kaoru..." He told her, his gaze refusing to meet hers, or any of her, staring straight into the horizon, as the palette of pale colors in the sky turned into a bold rainbow of colors, ranging from gold to the purest of blacks, and a spectrum of colors in between. "It seems to me...that the more I repent, the more I try to atone for the sins of the past, the more I bury myself in my sins of the present."

Her eyes widened in a cross between anger and despair, and couldn't quite find the words to try to persuade him he was wrong...and though there were may racing through her head, she couldn't find an argument she believed to be strong enough to object.

She should have known it was different, when he said her name. Just...her name.

It only happened when the world was ending.

"Kenshin..." She breathed, her words soft, as her breath was hitched in her throat. "If you could...read what's etched in my heart, you'd know…that's just not true at all!"

**Hey, I can't make it go away**.

"The point, Kaoru..." He seemed to like to say her name a lot more than he did with the honorific. "..Is that I cannot."

"What?" She was an intelligent girl, but didn't quite grasp this almost metaphoric concept.

"As much as I could want to understand you...to talk to you like an equal...to allow myself to, I could never. I am still bathed in blood, whether it has cleared away or not. In my mind..." He closed his eyes, and Kaoru was almost glad -she couldn't take much more. "In my mind, I will never be your equal. You are always, and will forever be, too pure for me."

"Kenshin!" She nearly shrieked, not wanting to travel down this road again. "Kenshin, I tell you, time and again...You're not unworthy, and you can tell me anything. I wouldn't...deny you the chance to ever get to know me better...to get closer to me."

She couldn't believe she had just said that. And once she had, she was confused about the context she meant it in...

**Over and over in my brain again.**

The words she spoke had not fallen on deaf ears, and Kenshin was contemplating what she said deeply. True, his deepest desires wanted to believe she meant that in the way…of romance. To get closer to her...would calm his soul if only a little. There was a part of her that he believed was the medicine to cure his heart, but at the same time, the medicine was not only too pure...but too potent. It had the potential to not only calm him, but drag him into every temptation his mind could come up with.

He knew it would never happen. It was not feasible, and not acceptable.

But at the same time, he wanted to be dragged under her spell so badly, and as quickly as possible. He trusted her, he wanted to confide her, and he wanted to love her without restrictions and bitter thoughts. The rain cloud, though, always followed these thoughts of his, and seemed to taunt him with the same words he spoke now, except more harsh.

Though, he thought to himself, if she did really want to care, then shouldn't he let her? He would do anything for her, he knew...and if she wanted to be cared for, wouldn't he be bound by his word to give her that chance? If she was willing to accept him, was it really impossible to accept himself?

For once, he reasoned, he may just let down the barriers...

And give into temptation.

**All the things I should have said to you.**

"Kaoru...do you mean what you say?"

"Of course."

"Then would you let me…take care of you?"

"You already do."

"More?"

"Like?"

"Would you let me always be there for you?"

"I would welcome it."

"Would you let me help you with your problems?"

"I would embrace the fact, and take your problems into my own hands, as well."

"Would you let me love you?"

Their faces has suddenly come closer, until he was nearly whispering on her lips, and she on his.

Her breath hitched, she paused slightly before closing her eyes and answering him.

"I would devote myself to you."

That promise -and hardly did Kaoru speak anything in that manor that wasn't a promise- was all he needed to finally let himself go and throw caution to the wind.

His hand found its way to the back of her head, and their lips met in what was nothing less than beautiful harmony.

**Counting stars wishing I was okay.**

After a moment, they pulled away from each other, and shared a small, secret smile.

'No one has to know this happened...' Kenshin thought to himself, that small rain cloud that haunted him in his thoughts now becoming a raging, tempestuous storm of negative thoughts. 'We could pretend this never happened...and I'd not have to feel so guilty.'

Kaoru, though, was beaming after a moment. "I never realized how nice it could be...to be cared for so much."

She could taste the passion in his kiss, the longing, the want...And the flight he was taking to finally be free. It was so emotional...but that made the moment all the more beautiful.

He laid on the grass without a word, and slowly pulled her down with him, question evident in her eyes, but he wouldn't satisfy her inquiry.

He was on his back, she on her side, her arm draped over his chest.

The stars, by now, were beginning to twinkle in the sky, and he wondered if there was one he could make a wish on. He hated the doubt, the misery...he wasn't supposed to feel it after letting go. He had a solid answer, had found love where he had always wanted to find it...So why couldn't he be happy? He had everything he wanted, now...

But no happiness. And eventually, he knew Kaoru would notice.

**Crashing down was my biggest mistake.**

Sooner than he assumed.

"Kenshin, you're not smiling." She pointed it out shortly, her raven tresses falling loose and framing her face with ebony beauty and innocence. "Did I upset you?"

"No, it's not your fault." He supplied her with that small solace, if that even qualified.

"Then what happened?" She asked, with the curiosity that played a huge part of her personality, the personality he had always cherished.

'I'm filling with doubt...' He thought to himself as his first response, but could never tell her that. Even if she accepted him, he did not see any reason to blatantly hurt her.

"I keep thinking I'm going to fall," He said, slowly, unsure if those words were kind enough for her.

"Then let me catch you," She whispered.

"You can't."

**I never ever meant to hurt you.**

"W-what?"

He knew he shouldn't have led her on like that, tried to promise her something that he was willing to give, but unable to. Even she couldn't help him through this mental strain - a blockage.

He said nothing, so she said it for him. "I thought...you were going to let me help you." She was not crying, yet the disappointment, anger, sadness, and distrust were evident in her tone. He almost wished she were crying, so he could dry her tears.

Or could he?

"Kaoru...I don't know why...I just don't know why I feel this way. I love you...You know this now, but there is something in me that cannot allow myself to..."

"You're lying, Kenshin! Please..." She was almost whimpering. "Tell me that's not true."

**I only did what I had to.**

'I had to tell her the truth...' He thought to himself, but it didn't lesson the hurt he felt as he watched her nearly cry over him.

"I've...waited so long..." She whispered, but Kenshin assumed he wasn't supposed to hear it.

"I know...lovely, I know.." He said, just as softly, so Kaoru would know that if she felt the need to keep anything to herself, she'd best not say it so loud. In reality, he was inadvertently, and somewhat rudely, warning her.

"Don't...don't you dare call me lovely!" She yelled, and in her blind fury. she sprang to her feet, though not as gracefully as she would have liked. She did make it without falling, though, and ran back to her home, letting the tears fall as she ran.

They fell like rain. Just as fast and gracefully as rain would, in a rhythmic pattern no one would ever understand, but it was always there.

**Counting stars again.**

"I can never do anything right, damnit!" He yelled into the empty expanse of air around him, nearly in tears himself, as he watched the stars twinkle above him, in happiness and optimism.

"Will I always end up like this? Every time I feel happy again…Every time I feel like I belong, and I'm read to love again, will it end up like this?"

The sky seemed to have no better answer than the ex-hitokiri himself did. Just one star, one annoyingly bright little star, which Kenshin had to crane his neck to see.

Some believe in a north star to guide you back home. Some think it's children's play.

But it was shining towards the dojo, he noted, and….he had no better idea than to follow it.

Perhaps, this once, he would trust in fate when it came to love. He had a twisted sort of past with it, one he begged not to be repeated then, or ever.

But where else could he go? All he could think about was the girl turned woman, who stole his heart, and by now, all traces of sanity he had left in himself. It was all he could take not running after her immediately, and he couldn't not go back to the dojo…He had to see her, if only to see hatred in her eyes, he had to see her.

**Hey, I'll take this day by day by day.**

"I'll always love him…" She whispered to herself, in near madness herself. "And I don't care….how much he doesn't accept it, I will love him every day for the rest of my life! Let...let my heart be damned, then! It's worth it….just to be in his presence, to see…the way he used to look at me."

"I will love him…and he will glare at me, and he may hate me…But I will live for the day where he will smile at me once again, and I can truly be happy. I cannot be given just this much. I must have all, or nothing!"

She had ended up in his room of all places, and she vaguely wondered why. This room had to be the most uncomfortable in the house, especially now that she had just had one of the biggest changes in her life thus far. Surely, she should have hated him and cried herself to sleep, but she couldn't find the will to. There was a resolution in this, somewhere, she was sure.

Kenshin stood, by now, in the doorframe, and watched her mourn over him. 'This is absolute idiocy,' he thought to himself, shaking his head. 'If I can overcome battle wounds, and I can live through the worst….Why can I not face my own horror, and push through? I've got the most wonderful prize waiting for me on the other end.'

He stepped towards her, a step at a time, until he was towering over her kneeling form. "Kaoru…you need sleep."

His statement was not so much for well-being as it was a command, he couldn't stand the tears anymore, and he wanted to mull it over, to think without interruption.

"I-I feel so alone, Kenshin." She said to him, looking up at him with a sense of betrayal in her gaze. It didn't grace the beauty of her cerulean eyes at all, and in fact…

It just looked wrong.

"I know. You won't be alone tonight, I promise you." He spoke simply, nodding towards the futon that seemed to always be laid out for him, but seldom used.

She peered up at him, again, after following his gestures. "Ken…shin…" She seemed to be breathless.

"I just want to hold onto you, Kaoru…allow me that?" He was begging without trying to, not wanting to have to go to bed crying alone. Not again.

She glared at him. "I'm not your play toy, not someone you can love and want to be with only when it strikes your fancy."

"Kaoru," He said again, his voice sounding broken and tired. "One night. I won't do a thing, I swear to you."

She slowly shook her head, but nonetheless, crept into the futon. If Kenshin was good about one thing, it was keeping his word, especially to women.

**Under the covers I'm okay. I guess.**

He laid down after her, next to her, and whispered into her ear, "I promise it won't be like this forever. We'll be happy together soon."

She didn't move or respond at all to what he said, but she didn't flinch as he put an arm around her, pulling her closer to him.

"Oyasumi nasai," They said in unison, and both drifted off to sleep, letting the still quiet and peace cover them and calm their dismal souls.

**Life's too short and I feel small.**

The sun shone brilliantly in the sky, sending small, radiant waves towards the couple, still sleeping, even in the midst of late morning; a rarity. The activities from the previous day had taken a toll on the pair, and it showed in the way the light dances across their faces, waking neither of the two automatically.

Not too long later, however, the concentrated light became too much for the usually light sleeping vagabond, and dull, amethyst eyes looked over the shining raven mop of hair next to him. The previous day's events - both joyous and hellish - suddenly hit him like a ton of bricks, and he felt lightheaded, wishing he could sleep eternally with his love by his side.

Or, if not that, at least another hour. What he wouldn't give for just one more hour of peace...

But the change, however slight, of the girl's breathing patterns told him his wish would be far from granted.

Kaoru had taken to slightly fidgeting in her fight of freeing herself of slumber. And she too had recollections of the words shared, and felt a dead weight in her throat.

'I want to let him...but I can't, if he'll let me one moment, and hates me for it the next. Why can't I know what...'

"I want you to be happy, Kaoru...that's all I've ever wanted." His voice rang through her ears like a brass bell.

'You want.' Her thoughts added, dismally. How could she ever convey to him that he was what made her happy? That his happiness caused hers? So much time had been wasted on trying to convince him, she wondered if it was already too late.

**Counting stars wishing I was okay. Crashing down was my biggest mistake.**

He had assumed that she was still half asleep when he spoke, so her sudden reply took him by surprise.

"This is the last time I want to say this. You. Make. Me. Happy."

Her tone was commanding, demanding, and almost angry, each word having its own individual spin. At the same time, though, she seemed desperate, caring, and ultimately frustrated.

"I can't take this kind of life, Kenshin..." She hadn't allowed him to speak at all, the words pouring from her lips like a faucet. "I can't stand to love you, and know you love me too...I'd rather you hate me, than love me and refuse the emotions we both know we have for each other, now..."

She was fighting a winning battle with her eyes, and the saline didn't escape past her eyelashes.

"I've waited forever for the moment we had yesterday, and..."

He cut her off by roughly placing his lips to hers, his hand gently stroking her hair for a few minutes before she pulled away.

"Tell me...Tell me it's not just another phase, Kenshin. You love me, don't you? Love is...not something you can play with like this." Her tone shook as she spoke, with fear of rejection and loneliness, but with a hint of determination. She knew what she deserved.

**I never ever meant to hurt you. I only did what I had to.**

"Love is forever." He finally got a word in. "You've helped me realize this, Kaoru..."

He paused plentifully between his words, thinking, for once, about the right thing to say.

"I didn't want to hurt you, and that's all I've been doing. I'm sorry, Kaoru. I'm so, so sorry..."

His apology satisfied her, who smiled, with a slight nod, in relief and contentment, while he still seemed upset. The words hadn't calmed him; they weren't exactly right.

"I wanted to make sure that..." He stopped, again, to think, and she only blinked as she patiently waited for him to finish.

After ten minutes of unbearable silence, Kaoru spoke for him.

"You wanted to make sure I cared, Kenshin, is that it?"

He shook his head no.

"No matter," She smiled, pleasantly. "There will be a time when this will seem right to you, to talk about this. Until then..."

His lips slowly formed a smile, as he nodded. "There will be an eternity to think about it..."

She didn't seem to need an explanation, the room falling into a comfortable silence, as love was the lullaby that prompted the two to fall asleep in each other's arms again.

"Kenshin?" She asked, softly, as sleep was about to take her.

"Hn?"

"I've thought about what you said."

"...And?"

"There's no one else I'd ever want to be."

**Counting stars again.**


End file.
